JJK for Sale

JJK for Sale is the third episode of the second season of AMC's Small Town Security. It originally aired May 23, 2013.

Synopsis
At the JJK Security office, Irwin and the gang discuss hemorrhoids. Christa tries to spell "hemorrhoids" by writing it out on a piece of paper. Irwin says he has a sensation down there while talking about hemorrhoids and "it feels good."

At Joan and Irwin’s house, Joan reveals that Irwin's hoarding has gotten bad again, and his belongings are now covering her dining room table, the kitchen, and the bathroom. Irwin sorts through his stuff, looking for items with the JJK Security logo printed on them. Given the success of Small Town Security, Irwin hopes to sell them on eBay and guesses that Joan's personal ashtray could fetch as much as $200.

Joan sits listening to music in her red Mercedes in the garage to escape her "filthy house." She says sitting in her car is like "a capsule. I'm enveloped in the music and I become part of the car." Joan says that owning fancy cars (she owns a Camaro, a Mustang, and a Mercedes) make her feel like somebody, and she eventually hopes to drive the Mustang in Beverly Hills.

At the JJK office, Irwin, who's been at odds with Joan for years over all of the company's nice cars, decides he's going to put Joan's Mustang on eBay without telling her. Brian says, "You're kicking the hornets nest Captain."

Christa, Brian, and Irwin take pictures of the JJK memorabilia, including a broken coffee mug, some JJK pens, and a clock and put it on eBay. Irwin also puts an autographed poop stick on eBay and declares, "Here comes the money."

Back in Joan's garage, Lt. Croft helps Joan get back into shape with a punching bag.

Brian and Christa, investigating a P.I. case, follow a client's ex-wife to prove that she’s living with someone else. Brian explains that he first got interested in P.I. work while working as a manager in a grocery store and investigating a coworker who filed a suspicious worker's comp claim. "I decided that it was my calling." Not long after, Joan walked into the store "with a big, shiny badge and a couple of guns hanging off her like a cowboy."

Irwin tells Joan that he's put the Mustang on eBay, and she gets angry. Lt. Croft says Irwin has no right to do it because it's Chief's car. "It's not her car. It's the company's car," Irwin shoots back.

Brian takes Christa on another stake out. Christa wonders if the client's ex-wife is a lesbian. "She might be at the point in her life where she's like f--- this. F--- men. I'm going lesbian." Brian says, "If she was a lesbian, she'd be at a lesbian's house." Brian instructs Christa to put a watch under the wheel of the suspect's car, so they’ll know what time she left. After encountering some barking dogs, Christa successfully completes the mission.

Back in Joan's garage, Chief is punching the bag again, which she says "feels like sex." Irwin comes down to apologize, saying "I just got caught up in the eBay thing." Irwin also tells Joan that he put the Mustang on eBay for $50,000, and Joan starts to come around to the idea, saying, "Don't laugh, but it could get $100,000 now. Jay Leno would get it in a minute."

The eBay auctions have ended and most of the items get zero bids, including the Mustang. "Bulls---" yells Joan. Irwin's poop stick is the only thing that sells, for $8.73. "I'm just tickled pink," he says. Joan says the Mustang wasn't marketed properly so she has Lt. Croft take pictures of Joan standing next to the car.

The gang creates a certificate of authenticity for Irwin's poop stick and wraps it up to mail. Irwin poses with one stick in his mouth for a photo. And Joan agrees to sell a date along with the Mustang, if it'll help sell the car.