All Hands on Deck

All Hands on Deck is the seventh episode of the second season of AMC's Small Town Security. It originally aired June 20, 2013.

Synopsis
At the JJK Office, Joan argues that the best way to defend against an attacker is by putting marbles in a sock and using it as a weapon. Capt. Starr says there are better ways, like putting keys between your fingers. He demonstrates on Brian and Christa. "I'd rather have the keys and start slashing like Wolverine," says Brian. Joan tells him to shut up. "None of this f-- matters because if someone attacked me I'd shoot them," she says.

Out in a field, Capt. Starr meets with several young men who are organizing a rave and have hired JJK to do security. Starr says he loves getting to do events like this because "you get to enjoy the view." When asked what he means by that, he says, "Girls."

At the UCTV station, Irwin says he is fed up with the Joan Koplan Forum, calling it "a bunch of idle chatter." He decides to try a different format, inviting on an accountant to talk about tax deductions. Afterward, Irwin says he thinks the show is better but he's still "got some tweaking to do."

Brian, Joan and Capt. Starr test the radios that they'll be using to patrol the rave. The mailman pulls up and Brian receives a large package, but he won't say what's in it. He walks out into the driveway and opens the package, which is a large banner that says, "Bonnie Will You Marry Me?" Christa reads the sign to Joan, who starts to cry. "Be happy for him because he's happy," Christa says. "Who am I supposed to love?" Christa complains. "Lambchop?"

Joan laments Brian's impending engagement while patrolling with Capt. Starr. Joan says she thinks Brian is in love with her just a little bit. "It's tough isn't it? You've got someone that you can't have," Capt. Starr says, pointing out the similarities in their situations. Joan claims not to understand what he's talking about. "You're not even really listening," says Starr. "You sound like you're mad at me," Joan replies. "Did I do something wrong?"

Later, at UCTV, Judy talks privately with Irwin and offers advice on how to reformat Joan's show. She suggests adopting a variety format like a real late-night show, complete with a monologue, band, and "great guests" -- specifically pretty girls, animals, or children. Irwin says, "That would be great."

Brian meets with Joan in her office and tells her that he's going to propose to his girlfriend Bonnie. "I don't want you to be upset or depressed," he says. Joan argues that Brian has feelings for her. "Of course I have feelings for you," he says, explaining that Joan is his mom, boss and best friend rolled into one. Joan thanks him and then starts crying again. Brian gives her a hug and a kiss.

Brian and Bonnie arrive at a dock. Bonnie thinks the two are going boating as part of a geo-caching scavenger hunt. They take the boat to an island and follow their GPS to an abandoned cabin, where Bonnie finds the first item.

Back at JJK, Capt. Starr shows off his security kit for the "Masquerave," which includes plastic restraints for arrests and pepper spray. He explains that at an event like this, "Something as simple as a drink being tipped over by the wrong person can lead to a full out brawl."

At the TV station, Joan and Irwin prepare for their new show. A band sets up in the background and Irwin gets ready to introduce Joan. "We've never done anything like this before," Joan says nervously.

Meanwhile, Bonnie is looking for the last geocaching treasure. Brian plucks it out of a bush and opens it to reveal an engagement ring. "Are you for real?" screams Bonnie. He tells Bonnie to look behind her at a bridge, from which the "Will You Marry Me" banner is draping. The two embrace.

Capt. Starr gets the guards ready for the Masquerave, telling them that "lollipop" is the code word for something going wrong.

Meanwhile, Irwin introduces the new and improved Joan Koplan Variety Hour at UCTV. Joan opens with a joke about butt cracks that falls flat.

At the Masquerave, Brian radios Capt. Starr to report a "lollipop." Christa's car has been involved in a hit and run, but Christa was able chase the guy down and hold him. Brian says Christa may make a good security guard yet.

Joan introduces her first guest on the Joan Koplan Variety Hour: "Bret Tacular," a Bret Michaels impersonator. Joan asks how he lived through a cerebral hemorrhage, not realizing he's not actually the Poison frontman. "It would have been nice if somebody would have told me that," says Joan after he corrects her.

The show also features a belly dancer, a cooking demonstration by a local barbeque restaurant and exotic birds. In a taped segment, Irwin interviews some children, who he takes on a tour of his cluttered office. "How many more minutes do we have to be in here?" one girl complains.

Later, Joan and Irwin arrive at the Masquerave, exhausted. Capt. Starr puts Irwin in charge of the money. A raver in a pumpkin costume sets off a firework, and Capt. Starr chastises him, saying "We're not playing, I'll put you out right now." The kid apologizes. Irwin does a Jello shot, his first ever.

As the rave comes to an end, Brian offers Christa a ride home.